This is how girls really feel sometimes. Which made me chuckle, but I suppose it is only somewhat hilarious that women are so confused by their feelings.
Despite the turmoil of a workload to which I can never catch up, I feel today the old stirrings of anticipation at the thought of new material for next month. With the opportunity to request what I want to work on (even at the risk of getting none of my requests) I do feel that I have some modicum of control over my situation- a rare feeling for me in the office these days. However, it has led to some disconcerting feelings and makes me speculate that perhaps it is not always preferable to be close friends with your coworkers. There is no denying that competition is all part and parcel of the "work experience", but to have to compete with people you want to see succeed can be debilitating and in some ways, more nerve wracking than trying to outplay someone you despise. In this case, it is simply hoping the the boss decides to give me the work I want, instead of giving someone else the work I want. Simultaneously, I want my friends/coworkers to get the work they want, but not at the cost of my getting what I want. Which can lead to feelings of guilt and apprehension, as well as quick turns of emotion, similar to the ones described in the beginning of the post.
In view of all this it is rather a wonder that I don't spend the entire work day on pins and needles, tremulously trying to maintain a balance between my relationships. Instead, I hope I opt for my friendships and let the professional aspects sort themselves out. This may in fact mean that I am not ambitious. So the question I will put to the (three) people who read this blog is: is this a fault?
Despite the turmoil of a workload to which I can never catch up, I feel today the old stirrings of anticipation at the thought of new material for next month. With the opportunity to request what I want to work on (even at the risk of getting none of my requests) I do feel that I have some modicum of control over my situation- a rare feeling for me in the office these days. However, it has led to some disconcerting feelings and makes me speculate that perhaps it is not always preferable to be close friends with your coworkers. There is no denying that competition is all part and parcel of the "work experience", but to have to compete with people you want to see succeed can be debilitating and in some ways, more nerve wracking than trying to outplay someone you despise. In this case, it is simply hoping the the boss decides to give me the work I want, instead of giving someone else the work I want. Simultaneously, I want my friends/coworkers to get the work they want, but not at the cost of my getting what I want. Which can lead to feelings of guilt and apprehension, as well as quick turns of emotion, similar to the ones described in the beginning of the post.
In view of all this it is rather a wonder that I don't spend the entire work day on pins and needles, tremulously trying to maintain a balance between my relationships. Instead, I hope I opt for my friendships and let the professional aspects sort themselves out. This may in fact mean that I am not ambitious. So the question I will put to the (three) people who read this blog is: is this a fault?
More than 3 people may read this, they just aren't blogger.com members.
ReplyDeleteI think in your case its really fair; neither you nor your co-workers can claim you have more influence than another with the people who assign work, so its a lottery. And in a lottery, all you can do is be happy for the winners, and keep on playin'.
You ARE ambitious. The fact that you choose to put goodwill and office camaraderie before animosity and cruel competition shows your kind heart rather than a lack of ambition. And the Ever-Wise Norris is correct - it's a lottery. Nobody has more chance of getting the books they ask for than anyone else, really. Some months you'll be up, and some you'll be down. Don't sweat it. You'll get what you want every now and again, hopefully more often rather than not.
ReplyDelete-auds-
PS And anyone who would hold it against you for getting a book he/she wanted would be a perfect arse and that would be grounds for silent treatment!