I have come to a nasty realization. I am getting married in two months. This in itself is not so horrible--in fact, I am pretty excited about it. But when gazing at myself in the mirror yesterday I was forced to confront some very hard truths about my arms. And legs. And abdomen.
I am overweight. I am not going to use the term "fat". Because it just seems kind of desperate and self-deprecating, as if I want the world to feel sorry for me over something I have done to myself. At any rate, I have grown drastically in size over the last couple years and have spent that time systematically denying the fact that I sit at a desk, no longer have classes to walk to, and spend a lot of time at home alone, working on homework, reading, and writing. The sad truth is that I just straight up don't enjoy most forms of exercising. I enjoy low-intensity, individual sports like archery, horseback riding, and rock climbing. And I have never wanted to be one of those girls who is absolutely consumed with her weight, weighing and measuring each and every morsel she puts near her lips, constantly paranoid about devouring one crumb over a certain amount of allotted food. I enjoy food--I enjoy the social activity of eating and drinking with other people, I enjoy grocery shopping, cooking, and baking. There is no aspect that I don't take pleasure in.
That being said, as I was looking in the mirror I realized that I can no longer afford to be cavalier about any of these things. I have to find a way to reconcile my apparently detrimentally high self-esteem with my obvious need to more closely monitor what I eat and how I exercise. Somehow, I am going to have to force myself to take some kind of pleasure, no matter how small in the act of exercising.
The point of all this is basically to say that I have decided that blogging about this will be another safety net to help me, well, accountable. Hopefully the responsibility of reporting to the (six) people who read this blog will help me feel obligated to make some real, measurable progress. At any rate, it will fill that hole in my blogging schedule. So, from now on, on Tuesdays, look forward to an installment of my plight as a healthy lifestyle convert. There will be no calorie counting or actual numbers concerning my weight (I can barely stand to know myself, let alone posting my weight on the internet to haunt me forever). But I will be trying new things and writing about my exploits and hopefully, through all that, I will be able to finally make some progress.
For now, I will leave you with my "before" picture.
I am overweight. I am not going to use the term "fat". Because it just seems kind of desperate and self-deprecating, as if I want the world to feel sorry for me over something I have done to myself. At any rate, I have grown drastically in size over the last couple years and have spent that time systematically denying the fact that I sit at a desk, no longer have classes to walk to, and spend a lot of time at home alone, working on homework, reading, and writing. The sad truth is that I just straight up don't enjoy most forms of exercising. I enjoy low-intensity, individual sports like archery, horseback riding, and rock climbing. And I have never wanted to be one of those girls who is absolutely consumed with her weight, weighing and measuring each and every morsel she puts near her lips, constantly paranoid about devouring one crumb over a certain amount of allotted food. I enjoy food--I enjoy the social activity of eating and drinking with other people, I enjoy grocery shopping, cooking, and baking. There is no aspect that I don't take pleasure in.
That being said, as I was looking in the mirror I realized that I can no longer afford to be cavalier about any of these things. I have to find a way to reconcile my apparently detrimentally high self-esteem with my obvious need to more closely monitor what I eat and how I exercise. Somehow, I am going to have to force myself to take some kind of pleasure, no matter how small in the act of exercising.
The point of all this is basically to say that I have decided that blogging about this will be another safety net to help me, well, accountable. Hopefully the responsibility of reporting to the (six) people who read this blog will help me feel obligated to make some real, measurable progress. At any rate, it will fill that hole in my blogging schedule. So, from now on, on Tuesdays, look forward to an installment of my plight as a healthy lifestyle convert. There will be no calorie counting or actual numbers concerning my weight (I can barely stand to know myself, let alone posting my weight on the internet to haunt me forever). But I will be trying new things and writing about my exploits and hopefully, through all that, I will be able to finally make some progress.
For now, I will leave you with my "before" picture.
Katie, I completely know how you're feeling. Other than the getting-married part of all this, we're totally on the same page. Thanks for posting this and being so honest! You've inspired me.
ReplyDeleteAnd just so you know, I've always thought that you were gorgeous. You definitely don't resemble Jabba the Hutt ;-)
ugh, i know how you feel. since dan and i got together, i have gained around 30-40 pounds. not something i enjoy admitting. i also do not enjoy exercising. i never feel a "high", as a lot of people say they do. every time i try to work out, i find myself very bored. i did find one work out i enjoyed called the bar method. it is low impact, a combination of yoga, pilates, and ballet. it isnt easy, but i think it might actually work if you stuck with it. i really want to lose weight before my brothers wedding in june. i find that the hardest thing for me is portion control. i love food, and was raised in a family that views social gatherings as an excuse to eat (and drink). maybe we can work out a long distance work out partnership where we hold each other accountable? even though i live in tennessee, i really am also desperate to lose weight, but it is hard to do it alone. (and since we are both attached to men who seem to never gain weight no matter what, it does feel very lonely at times.) let me know!
ReplyDelete-hannah (uh, your cousin...in case you didnt figure that out, haha)
Yes, totally! I was hoping that this would spark a kind of support net where my lady friends could encourage each other.
ReplyDeleteWhere is this Tuesday's installment of your plight as a healthy lifestyle convert?
ReplyDelete