Remember the book Bunnicula? Where the household rabbit was actually a vampire who sucked the life out of all the celery and carrots in the vegetable crisper? Well, I have come to an unsettling realization. After months of living with my cat, Tybalt, and after Googling some summaries of Twilight, I have come to one conclusion: my cat is a Stephanie Meyer vampire*. See below the evidence that my cat is, in fact, the feline version of Edward Cullen. Or, alternatively, maybe Edward was really just a housecat. You be the judge.
Like Edward Cullen, he withholds his affection for as long as possible, usually allowing his need for food dictate how much cuddling I get from him on a daily basis. He often snuggles up to me, purring, and then avoids me for days at a time, simply staring at me with fathomless golden eyes. I am never quite sure where I stand with him.
Like Edward Cullen, his eyes turn a different color when he is hunting. His pupils dilate until his eyes are almost all black. I believe my cat may be what Twilight calls a "tracker".
Like Edward Cullen, he can move uncannily fast. He is able to bolt up the stairs in under four seconds, even with his extra housecat weight (which probably, I am guessing, weighs about as much as Kristen Stewart). One minute he will be lying in front of me, peaceful and lovely, and the next he is tearing around the room at lightning speed. I believe this is his attempt to show me how ill-fated our relationship is, as he could clearly A. beat me in a foot race and B. claw my eyes out whenever he wanted, like the Monty Python rabbit (rabbits and cats have a surprising number of things in common).
Like Edward Cullen, he does not eat what his species is intended to eat. He does not hunt for mice and birds, slaking his carnivorous thirst with the blood of lesser animals. No, he eats Nutro Diet Cat Food (in chicken flavor--a small concession to his true nature).
Like Edward Cullen, he blends in seamlessly with the non-vampires surrounding him. He lives amongst dogs and so far has done brilliantly at convincing them that he is, in fact, canine. He chews on their Nylabones, fetches their ball, and shares their water dish (though, like a true vampire, he refuses to eat their food, as it tastes like dust to him).
Like Edward Cullen, he has a lovely brunette girl with which to share his pain. Every morning I feed him and pet him as long as he will let me, my heart breaking a little every time he chooses to leave me. Sometimes I think he loves me, but then he will swat at me for no reason and run off under the bed. Somehow, though, when he looks at me and says, "Merrrowww", I am hooked. Dysfunctional as our relationship is, neither one of us seems to have the strength to permanently sever ties.
So, for all you vampire neophytes out there, this is what the face of a true monster may look like. Good luck to you, should you have one steal your heart.
*I want to make it clear that Tybalt is a vampire in the Stephanie Meyer universe, which may differ greatly from vampires in other worlds, i.e. Anne Rice or Bram Stoker. That is, my cat is a vampire that forty-year- old housewives can legitimately have a crush on, rather than a true monster of European folklore.
Like Edward Cullen, he withholds his affection for as long as possible, usually allowing his need for food dictate how much cuddling I get from him on a daily basis. He often snuggles up to me, purring, and then avoids me for days at a time, simply staring at me with fathomless golden eyes. I am never quite sure where I stand with him.
Like Edward Cullen, his eyes turn a different color when he is hunting. His pupils dilate until his eyes are almost all black. I believe my cat may be what Twilight calls a "tracker".
Like Edward Cullen, he can move uncannily fast. He is able to bolt up the stairs in under four seconds, even with his extra housecat weight (which probably, I am guessing, weighs about as much as Kristen Stewart). One minute he will be lying in front of me, peaceful and lovely, and the next he is tearing around the room at lightning speed. I believe this is his attempt to show me how ill-fated our relationship is, as he could clearly A. beat me in a foot race and B. claw my eyes out whenever he wanted, like the Monty Python rabbit (rabbits and cats have a surprising number of things in common).
Like Edward Cullen, he does not eat what his species is intended to eat. He does not hunt for mice and birds, slaking his carnivorous thirst with the blood of lesser animals. No, he eats Nutro Diet Cat Food (in chicken flavor--a small concession to his true nature).
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| What a vampire may look like. |
Like Edward Cullen, he has a lovely brunette girl with which to share his pain. Every morning I feed him and pet him as long as he will let me, my heart breaking a little every time he chooses to leave me. Sometimes I think he loves me, but then he will swat at me for no reason and run off under the bed. Somehow, though, when he looks at me and says, "Merrrowww", I am hooked. Dysfunctional as our relationship is, neither one of us seems to have the strength to permanently sever ties.
*I want to make it clear that Tybalt is a vampire in the Stephanie Meyer universe, which may differ greatly from vampires in other worlds, i.e. Anne Rice or Bram Stoker. That is, my cat is a vampire that forty-year- old housewives can legitimately have a crush on, rather than a true monster of European folklore.
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