Usually, when someone is crying, the person comforting them (or, in some cases, the person who just happens to be standing nearby when said waterworks commence) says something along the lines of "it's okay" and repeats infinite variations of this phrase over and over. The prolific application of this particular turn of phrase is utterly mysterious to me.
The mystery of this action lies not in the action itself, nor the intentions of the comforter (it seems obvious to me that the intention is to bring solace, and in most cases, stop the crying), but rather in the actual meaning of the words. What do they mean, "it's okay"? Do they mean "don't cry, everything is all right?" or, "it's okay that you are crying--cry it out" (somehow I don't think this can be the case in those situations where the comforter is comforting the comfortee out of mere social obligation rather than real emotional investment) or does this inscrutable yet simple phrase really mean, "i am telling you it's okay because I have no idea what else to say and you are making me feel incredibly awkward right now, so i am compelled to try to end this awful situation".
This last option seems to me to be the most likely meaning of these words, and after reaching this conclusion I have postulated that the next person to say that to me whilst I am crying will immediately achieve their goal: I will immediately stop crying long enough to punch them in the face for being trite and insensitive. Anger really is the best alternative to sadness--it is easier to deal with all around.
I am not in the place to give advice where it isn't warranted, but I guess all I am saying is this: if you embark on the mission to comfort a crying person, tell them the truth. Don't tell them it is okay (unless of course you feel it necessary to specify that it is okay to cry), unless you have a real solution to whatever problem they are facing. I am not trying to encourage misanthropy, or to testify that I prefer not to be approached while in an emotional upheaval, it's just a question of the difference between comfort and placation. The former is legitimately helpful and the latter merely patronizing.
And that's my two cents--for what it's worth.
The mystery of this action lies not in the action itself, nor the intentions of the comforter (it seems obvious to me that the intention is to bring solace, and in most cases, stop the crying), but rather in the actual meaning of the words. What do they mean, "it's okay"? Do they mean "don't cry, everything is all right?" or, "it's okay that you are crying--cry it out" (somehow I don't think this can be the case in those situations where the comforter is comforting the comfortee out of mere social obligation rather than real emotional investment) or does this inscrutable yet simple phrase really mean, "i am telling you it's okay because I have no idea what else to say and you are making me feel incredibly awkward right now, so i am compelled to try to end this awful situation".
This last option seems to me to be the most likely meaning of these words, and after reaching this conclusion I have postulated that the next person to say that to me whilst I am crying will immediately achieve their goal: I will immediately stop crying long enough to punch them in the face for being trite and insensitive. Anger really is the best alternative to sadness--it is easier to deal with all around.
I am not in the place to give advice where it isn't warranted, but I guess all I am saying is this: if you embark on the mission to comfort a crying person, tell them the truth. Don't tell them it is okay (unless of course you feel it necessary to specify that it is okay to cry), unless you have a real solution to whatever problem they are facing. I am not trying to encourage misanthropy, or to testify that I prefer not to be approached while in an emotional upheaval, it's just a question of the difference between comfort and placation. The former is legitimately helpful and the latter merely patronizing.
And that's my two cents--for what it's worth.
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